I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

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My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”

My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”


The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.


[at the mall]
santa: have you been naughty or nice this year?
me: *stops smiling and gets off santa’s lap* I want my lawyer.


“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]


me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car


A policeman just knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes…

My dogs don’t even own bikes..


*dumps Gatorade on an alligator*
How does your family taste you green piece of shit


If I go the 90 you can at least go the 10

“Ma’am, that restraining order requires you go the zero.”


Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.


Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.