@melibuff

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

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@ellle_em

My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”

My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”

@ilovepie84

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

@ohen39

[at the mall]
santa: have you been naughty or nice this year?
me: *stops smiling and gets off santa’s lap* I want my lawyer.

@AndyAsAdjective

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

@squirl_haggard

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

@jennfer46

A policeman just knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes…

My dogs don’t even own bikes..

@JhonRules

*dumps Gatorade on an alligator*
How does your family taste you green piece of shit

@robin_991

If I go the 90 you can at least go the 10

“Ma’am, that restraining order requires you go the zero.”

@1Happytwit

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

@MrsTomServo

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.