I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
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Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.