@melibuff

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

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@SafyHallanFarah

if i was a character in a horror movie i would try to finish whatever i’m eating before i die

@QwertyJones3

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

@SvnSxty

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that

@asimplesean

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

@weirdralph

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

@Mr_Kapowski

*guy looks around to see if anyone is looking*

*sees the coast is clear, licks tree*

And that’s how they found out about maple syrup

@kumailn

If someone’s mean to you, just lean in and whisper “I’m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world” to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.

@tastefactory

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

@NicestHippo

In my day cartoons made sense. Chipmunks did all the rescue rangering and a rich duck swam in gold coins like they were water