@InsouciantMan
@mommajessiec
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
You Might Also Like
@mommajessiec
@jonnysun
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
@AbbieEvansXO
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
@LostFelicia
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
@TamiDaBushPilot
I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it’s hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.
@TheBoydP
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
@CulturedRuffian
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
@OhNoSheTwitnt
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
@priya_ebooks
currently texting ‘Happy Father’s Day’ to all the men in my phone to freak them out
@Thedudish
My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I’m clearing out my desk