@InsouciantMan

I’ve been told I’m oblivious.

I had not noticed this.

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@mommajessiec

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

@jonnysun

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

@AbbieEvansXO

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

@LostFelicia

The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.

@TamiDaBushPilot

I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it’s hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.

@TheBoydP

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

@CulturedRuffian

INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:

Happy April Fools!!!

VS.

Happy April, Fools!!!

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

@priya_ebooks

currently texting ‘Happy Father’s Day’ to all the men in my phone to freak them out

@Thedudish

My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I’m clearing out my desk