Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I’ve been told I’m oblivious.
I had not noticed this.
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*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it’s hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
Happy April, Fools!!!
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
currently texting ‘Happy Father’s Day’ to all the men in my phone to freak them out
My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I’m clearing out my desk