I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
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*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”