*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
You Might Also Like
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
A ghost story
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over