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@audipenny

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

@EliTerry

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

@3sunzzz

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

@TheHyyyype

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

@Pro_Jones_

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

@CornOnTheGoblin

she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]

@ehchino

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

@ginadivittorio

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

@juliussharpe

Roadside motels are a good place to stay if you haven’t decided yet whether you want to kill someone or be killed.