You Might Also Like

@seamussaid

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

@Bagyants

I bet when they discovered the radish everyone was like “Let’s name it Rad!” and one guy was all “Let’s dial that back a bit.”

@lorigonzalez28

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

@on_the_fritz_17

If you’re going to suffocate someone with a pillow, have the goddamn decency to use the cool side.

@McClaneJohn2

Apparently if you eat really quick your Fitbit thinks you’re running.

The more you know.

@ericsshadow

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

@Samigrl2

“Do what you love & the money will follow.”

Ate some pizza, harassed a telemarketer, & took a 6 hr nap in my underwear.

And now, I wait…