@seamussaid
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
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@seamussaid
@Bagyants
I bet when they discovered the radish everyone was like “Let’s name it Rad!” and one guy was all “Let’s dial that back a bit.”
@NippleAdam
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
@lorigonzalez28
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
@on_the_fritz_17
If you’re going to suffocate someone with a pillow, have the goddamn decency to use the cool side.
@McClaneJohn2
Apparently if you eat really quick your Fitbit thinks you’re running.
The more you know.
@JohnHilsen
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
@sixfootcandy
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
@ericsshadow
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
@Samigrl2
“Do what you love & the money will follow.”
Ate some pizza, harassed a telemarketer, & took a 6 hr nap in my underwear.
And now, I wait…