My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
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What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
The honesty is refreshing
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.