I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
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when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”