I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
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“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Y’all know who you are.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
The old gods are rising again.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.