@Spaziotwat

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

You Might Also Like

@Vodkantots

9: My teacher doesn’t wear makeup like you do. I guess she doesn’t need it because she’s younger.
Me: Get out of the car.

@PixieGreenEyes

Why sleep in, when you can have your child’s tiny fingers shoved up your nose at 5am on a Saturday instead?

@Darlainky

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

@robfee

Worst things the parents do in Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

@Reel2Dialog2

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

@AndrewChamings

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

@coketruck76

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.