9: My teacher doesn’t wear makeup like you do. I guess she doesn’t need it because she’s younger.
Me: Get out of the car.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
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Why sleep in, when you can have your child’s tiny fingers shoved up your nose at 5am on a Saturday instead?
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Worst things the parents do in Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters