Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
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Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
my one true gender
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.