@jackiembouvier

I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.

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@david8hughes

Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym

@SonOfCha

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

@OctopusCavemann

[Alternate Universe Where Lassie Hated Timmy]

Ruth: Lassie, have you seen Timmy?

Lassie: *puts out cigarette* Nope

@DadZZZasleep

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

@KentWGraham

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

@rockymomax

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

@iGreenMonk

Sometimes I try to eat healthy but my stomach’s like “what if you die tomorrow?” and I’m like “good point” and I have a whole pizza.

@MizzSlaughter

Take your time, Officer. I have nothing but respect for the law. Your imminent death on this dark side street can wait.

@TechnicallyRon

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

@Marlebean

DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!