I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
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[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.