I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
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his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Ugh
Cat is stressing him out.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.