I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
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Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
A short story of betrayal:
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.