People that steal babies have obviously never owned a baby before.
I’ve been washing my hair with Ranch dressing for 13 years because the bottle doesn’t say not to do that.
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ME: So you indicate action using airstrikes?
HER: What? No, I said asterisks.
ME: Ha, of course. [to walkie-talkie] Disengage. DISENGAGE!
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
NASA has no chill
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard