I’ve been washing my hair with Ranch dressing for 13 years because the bottle doesn’t say not to do that.

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doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not


I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.


me being petty:

*gets late 3 hour late reply*
*waits for 50 seconds to reply back*


Someone stole my pencil sharpener and now I can’t stab people anymore.


Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.


[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]


My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!


*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!