
I’ve been laughing about this for two days straight.
I’ve been washing my hair with Ranch dressing for 13 years because the bottle doesn’t say not to do that.
I’ve been laughing about this for two days straight.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
me being petty:
*gets late 3 hour late reply*
*waits for 50 seconds to reply back*
Someone stole my pencil sharpener and now I can’t stab people anymore.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!