@PastorBate

I’ve been washing my hair with Ranch dressing for 13 years because the bottle doesn’t say not to do that.

You Might Also Like

@YourAnMoron

People that steal babies have obviously never owned a baby before.

@therealeatwood

ME: So you indicate action using airstrikes?

HER: What? No, I said asterisks.

ME: Ha, of course. [to walkie-talkie] Disengage. DISENGAGE!

@rcromwell4

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

@3sunzzz

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

@thenoahkinsey

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

@daemonic3

[interview]

What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good

@dksc4life

HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard