@YourAnMoron
People that steal babies have obviously never owned a baby before.
@PastorBate
I’ve been washing my hair with Ranch dressing for 13 years because the bottle doesn’t say not to do that.
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@YourAnMoron
@therealeatwood
ME: So you indicate action using airstrikes?
HER: What? No, I said asterisks.
ME: Ha, of course. [to walkie-talkie] Disengage. DISENGAGE!
@rcromwell4
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
@distracted_monk
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
@3sunzzz
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
@thenoahkinsey
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
@awkwardposts
NASA has no chill
@daemonic3
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
@pcpeay
Who.
Did.
This?
@dksc4life
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard