{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
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Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
🤭😂
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
everyone’s a critic
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.