I’ve been laughing about this for two days straight.
I’ve been washing my hair with Ranch dressing for 13 years because the bottle doesn’t say not to do that.
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doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
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me being petty:
*gets late 3 hour late reply*
*waits for 50 seconds to reply back*
Someone stole my pencil sharpener and now I can’t stab people anymore.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!