An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
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Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit