I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
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My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Autocorrect is my menesis
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I really had high hopes for this year though