I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
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ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
6: are snakes just neck?
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills