I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
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GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Doggies just call it style.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist: