FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
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Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
A Morning After pill but for over eating.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
“I love u”
“Umm isn’t it a bit too soon to say I love you?”
“Oh ha I meant the letter U. What’s your fav u word? Mine is Unreciprocated lol”
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I fed the cows marijuana.
The steaks have never been higher.
ME AT 15: [listening to blink] work sucks, i know
ME AT 25: i didn’t know