I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

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Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*


Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.


Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.


They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.


I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars


This vodka tastes strange, kinda like I’m not going to work tomorrow.


Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock


Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.


If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?