I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
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Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526