I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

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Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.


Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”


The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.


Sometimes when my gf is asleep, I like to sneak into the living room, put on her dress, and pretend I wear the pants in this relationship.


Whenever a bird shits on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my porch just to show them what I am capable of.


you know there’s a generation gap when kids are talking about tik tok and you realize they’re not talking about the pop classic Tik Tok by Kesha released in 2009


Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying


[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?