I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
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[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.