@Ally__Jam

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

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@squirrel74wkgn

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

@daniel_shaw

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

@jfrank50

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

@FeelingMervis

Sometimes when my gf is asleep, I like to sneak into the living room, put on her dress, and pretend I wear the pants in this relationship.

@therealdrix78

Whenever a bird shits on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my porch just to show them what I am capable of.

@7Osdeaky

you know there’s a generation gap when kids are talking about tik tok and you realize they’re not talking about the pop classic Tik Tok by Kesha released in 2009

@lazerdoov

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

@Reverend_Scott

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no