The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
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*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
The French cow says MEUX…
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Um … Hot Wings please