I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
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*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever