@AsgardianRose

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

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@Just_Lee_

The world is full of terrible people, but there’s none so evil as the man who fries bacon right next door to the gym.

@lecalabara

Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…

@Dishy2101

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

@SardonicTart

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

@themorris23

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

@LlamaInaTux

[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you

@0point5twins

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

@AnitaHelmet

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

@MrSandeepP

Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.