I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
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Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.