I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
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“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent