I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.

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Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.


[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?


Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*


Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado


DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here


[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!


CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same


Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.


My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.


police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.