A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
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every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Owl Sanctuary
I unironically love this joke.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Me too door. Me too.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE