@mrsmith196645

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

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@fatherofcomedy

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

@sween

I can’t imagine how stressed Americans are feeling right now. I’m Canadian and I’m chugging maple syrup and just punched a moose.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

@murrman5

[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda

@continentlbkfst

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

@HavocMantis

I’m a fi-sci writer.
“You mean sci-fi?”
No, fi-sci. Fictional Science. Made-up scholarly articles on monsters, magic, and the like.

@SoVeryBritish

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

@daemonic3

WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries

@soulindivision2

Mind games aren’t a challenge. “Meet me in the condiments aisle of Tesco and bring a bib,” is a challenge.

@WorkingMom86

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.