I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
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I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Wednesday
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled