I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.

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Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.


Husband: Why are there broken condoms on our couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.


Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.


“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.


Me: it’s sunny! Maybe I’ll get a tan!

My face: *activate freckles*


I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.


I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.


Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.


Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons