I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
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gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
This is enough internet for the day.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.