I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
You Might Also Like
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.