I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
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THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own