I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

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Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.


Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage


I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.


Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.


“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:6:”kaz474″;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3724614596/fcd3cb35f126d08ed3b0fad9c2d79ba5_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”258757088577191937″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”61″;s:5:”tweet”;s:87:”Some people seem to take the question “how stupid can you be?” as a personal challenge.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}


The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.


if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too


[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn