@SadieSkyNinja

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

@Home_Halfway

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

@goldengateblond

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

@ravenswng_

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

@Kyle_Raney

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:6:”kaz474″;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3724614596/fcd3cb35f126d08ed3b0fad9c2d79ba5_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”258757088577191937″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”61″;s:5:”tweet”;s:87:”Some people seem to take the question “how stupid can you be?” as a personal challenge.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@Cheeseboy22

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

@GrantTanaka

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

@Reverend_Scott

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn