I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
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Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting