i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
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*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.