i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

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Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]


Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?


Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.


The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.


It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.


If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.


I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.


Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.


Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake


“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines