i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
You Might Also Like
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
OMG 🤣🤣
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines