I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
You Might Also Like
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*