I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
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I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
this is what they would have looked like, though
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.