I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
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ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?鈥擨 mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I鈥檝e not sent anything it鈥檚 way for an hour, it鈥檚 checking I鈥檓 still alive
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I could鈥檝e been a doctor. OK, so I don鈥檛 have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I鈥檓 sorry but I love this one 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Cat owners aren鈥檛 lazy. They鈥檙e just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.