I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
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Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Going into Monday like
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!