@dorsalstream

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

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@jellybnbonanza

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

@thedad

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

@RobElliottComic

That show Scrubs is bullshit. Not one person in this hospital joined in my song and dance number.

@Man_wonders

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

@prufrockluvsong

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

@faisaladam_

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

@marknorm

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

@FadeAway2

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

@Darlainky

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

@joeljeffrey

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?