I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
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[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”