I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
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dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Green is just blue that someone peed in
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?