@iwearaonesie
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
@diaruba74
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
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@iwearaonesie
@T_Bonezzz_
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
@ScienceMarchDC
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
@TheAlexNevil
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
@joerogan
That Russian meteor footage is a nice reminder that we’re flying through the universe in an organic spaceship with no roof.
@itsmehgd
2nd grade girl sleepover:
“shhh okay let’s actually go to sleep”
*quiet for a minute*
the annoying friend: *starts laughin for no reason*
*entire group starts laughin except for one girl*
that one girl: “guys seriously i have a softball game tomorrow”
@KateWhineHall
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
@Kyle_Lippert
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
@_little_old_me
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
@djrogge
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.