wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
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How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
That Russian meteor footage is a nice reminder that we’re flying through the universe in an organic spaceship with no roof.
2nd grade girl sleepover:
“shhh okay let’s actually go to sleep”
*quiet for a minute*
the annoying friend: *starts laughin for no reason*
*entire group starts laughin except for one girl*
that one girl: “guys seriously i have a softball game tomorrow”
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.