@diaruba74

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.

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@iwearaonesie

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

@T_Bonezzz_

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

@ScienceMarchDC

People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!

@TheAlexNevil

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

@joerogan

That Russian meteor footage is a nice reminder that we’re flying through the universe in an organic spaceship with no roof.

@itsmehgd

2nd grade girl sleepover:

“shhh okay let’s actually go to sleep”

*quiet for a minute*

the annoying friend: *starts laughin for no reason*

*entire group starts laughin except for one girl*

that one girl: “guys seriously i have a softball game tomorrow”

@KateWhineHall

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

@Kyle_Lippert

My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.

@djrogge

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.