Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
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If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Pat is about to own someone
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.