Ronald McDonald kills millions of cows and he’s the world’s most beloved clown, but I butcher one and I “ruined your son’s birthday party”?
I’ve decided to shave off my eyebrows and draw them in. It’s pretty cool, except when I have to redraw them to show somebody I’m angry.
You Might Also Like
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Money doesn’t buy happiness? Well it buys a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? It’s impossible to be sad on a jet ski.
[in the future]
Him: Hindsight is-
Her: don’t say it, you know that’s illegal now
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
The word “Diputseromneve” may look ridiculous, but backward it’s even more stupid…
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
SCREAMING, just hugged my dentist thinking he was going in for one but really he was just taking off my dental bib. Don’t think I can ever recover from this