@iAmDelFreaky: I've decided to shave off my eyebrows and draw them in. It's pretty cool, except when I have to redraw them to show somebody I'm angry.
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@mattZillaaaa: *drops pizza slice on the floor Hey can I get another slice? *eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
@NewDadNotes: Panda: am I too pudgy? God: I have a better question. Panda: ok. God: what’s black and white and red all over? Panda: I don’t know. God: it’s you. Panda: b-but I’m not red. God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are. Panda: [blushing].
@sixfootcandy: Me:*Gently nudges your arm* Would you like to be my Valentine? Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?