date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
You Might Also Like
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Never be a pizza!
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]