@donjuantip

i’ve decided to start a new healthier lifestyle. I’m adding cranberry juice to my morning Vodka.

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@Underchilde

Wedding rehearsals, because ruining your life takes practice.

@ArfMeasures

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

@dumbbeezie

What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us

@SketchesbyBoze

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

@djdarrellripley

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

@GordoHelio

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

@RandomlyMJ

I just want to rub all over you……..

……..with the front end of my car.

@mrtruthandsoul

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL