i’ve decided to start a new healthier lifestyle. I’m adding cranberry juice to my morning Vodka.
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Wedding rehearsals, because ruining your life takes practice.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
I just want to rub all over you……..
……..with the front end of my car.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL