I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
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just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Check your privilege
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”