Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
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How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
don’t we all
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it