I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
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{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.