I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
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Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.