I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
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How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Do not levitate over flowers
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.