Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.

I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

Saying ‘better luck next time’

is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.

The more you know..

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.

They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.