I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
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“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield